Category: Romancy

it’s about love trash

That three words

This is about Mr. Grumpy.

I want to write about him tonight. Almost 14 days we do not write each other anymore. I know, I do not write him back. It was not my decision alone, it was also his decision.

Sometimes, or maybe mostly times, I mentioned his name in my pray, accidentally. It was because I used to mention his name for more than 8 months. It hurted me before, when his name in my lip. But now, my brain stopped my heart to get hurt again. I let my lip to slip and change his name immediately. I let myself to ignore him and to accept all feelings about him, from good to be bad to be worst to be neutral. I let everything happens to me related to him.

Almost 2 years ago when he said first “hi”, almost one year ago when he said “hello again”. We were liking each other in that second salam, we were physically together for more than 6 months, almost for whole 7 days in every week. Our hands were in one, even there was a contradiction in my head, against my principle. I wanted him like he wanted me. Then I thought, it would be real between us, to have promise in front of God and our parent. It was his mistake to promise me, it was my mistake to believe him. Or maybe it was because we are just human who let hope grow in our action. At the end he said “I am sorry..”

He gave up on us, he could not fulfil his promise, he would not. I failed to trust him anymore. We were broken. Probably, it was only me. I was broken. As he always said to me “you are strong woman”, I am. Now, after two months, I am successfully move him to the other side of my heart, called ‘past’. Like he said before “sadness will be gone, only happy memories left”. Yes, maybe, he is right. What I am very sure for now, I do not want to have that pain anymore, the pain for waiting that three simple words from his mouth, that ‘I-love-you’. Because it was the reason. He never loved me to hold me tight. Because it was the reason. I was always failed to trust him. Because it was the reason. Why it was hard for me to answer him ‘yes’ very soon, when he asked me “would-you-marry-me”
in the first and second time.

P.s. dear Mr. Grumpy, God knows better, what would happen between us in the next days, weeks, months, years, in the future.
This is, I wrote you, to heal my pain of missing you. To heal my rest pain of losing you.

 

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über dich zu schreiben

Ich schrieb dir jeden Tag, jede Mahlzeit, von Guten Morgen bis Guten Nacht. Wusstest du das? Wie die Einleitung, theoretische Grundlage, Analyse und Schlussfolgerung. Bäng! Die Note ist da. Wir haben uns zueinander bewertet. Ich bin enttäuscht davon und du bist traurig wegen mir. Schade, ja schade. Leben ist kein Leben ohne Schaden, genauso Leben ist kein Leben ohne Enttäuschung, wusstest du das?

Ich hatte mich darauf super gefreut, bevor wir uns ins Gesicht sahen, bevor wir uns umarmten. Du auch, du hattest an mich oft gedacht. Und dann?! Fühle mich, dass du sagtest, du bereuest, mich zu sehen. “Wenn das so wie jetzt wäre, lieber würden wir uns nur schreiben” sagtest du. Ach, leider möchte ich lieber dich sehen und bin eigentlich zufrieden. Besser als die Partituren auf die Transkription zu beschreiben. Nun, ich fühle mich jetzt sehr schuldig, an dir und an meiner Interpretation auf die Papiere. Weil ich über euch nicht geschrieben habe. Lust und Neugier verfärben sich langsam.

Weißt du. Ich habe kein Wissen über dich zu schreiben. Ich habe kein Gefühl über uns zu schreiben. Ich erfuhr dich nur für kurze Zeit, erfassbar gleichzeitig mit Wand. Jetzt, ich muss unbedingt über dich schreiben, bevor ich dich vergessen hätte, bevor  ich von dir vergessen würde. Dass du mehr als Mehrzahl in meiner kürzen Zeit bist. Dass was wir gemacht haben, tat mir sehr gut. Obwohl der Luzifer von meinem Mund bereits in deinem Kopf ist, kannst du noch mir was Gutes schreiben, über mich und unserer Zeit.

Es tut mir Leid. Es tut dir Leid. Es tut uns Leid am Ende. Die Frage nur: Warten wir aufeinander oder gehen wir lieber nach unserer eigenen Spur weiter? Lass der Winter dann für uns antworten.

The Autumn of Shone

Today is the last week of October. It is still in Autumn, the leaves still fall down, they are still yellowish.

Yesterday was the Golden October, the weather was not cold, warm with the sunshine.

On Monday, the sun shone too. I said to you “I want you to stay with me, more than as a friend”. You replied “no, I can not”.

Last week I just planed, I wanted have a date with you, the beautiful days in Autumn. Romantic and warm in the same time. I wanted the romance, the memory in Autumn, not you.

On Sunday we met. We had fun, were happy, careless, angry and sad. Maybe just me. I still do not want you. Until on Monday, the day when you were gone. I was wanting you, before we live seperate between million of trees, like now.

Let say I have a friend and his name Shone, from a second past verb “Shine”. He was not so shiny like the sun at the first, before I knew that he could calm me like the moon. Even it was dark, his light would light up my days. We liked to meet, to chat, to say jokingly, to be upset, to make video calls, to make phone calls, or just to see each other. “We are close friends, ” he said to me one time, I laughed. Neither agree, nor to deny. I just laughed and asked myself “are we?! I don’t feel we are”. He couldn’t hear what I said to myself, sure. And then on Sunday he said to my flatmate “we know each other maybe around 6 months” and I laughed. Asked myself “really?! I even forget when I met him”. And then he said to his self “I don’t want to have any hope about you, I would be upset, if I lost you. I do not want to lose you.” and repeated to me. I did not laugh. I stupefied and told myself “I own me. I would, if I will”.

That was many weeks ago. And now you lost me in Autumn.

I just wanted to have a date with you, just one day on Sunday, in a perfect day of Autumn. We would walk together through the trees and under the rain of leaves. The sun would shine for us, would have better food ever with a warm cup of your favorite tea and we will talk like we were falling in love. Even we are not, even we would just pretend. I would better pretend as your lover than your friend. Because it is Autumn and you should not betray the most romantic weather. But, you did.

Here I am now, maybe I am sad and sadder when I look through my windows, the Autum is still there. The leaves fall more, turn their color more yellowish, reddish, brownish. This is my sixth Autumn and the saddest one. This is my first time that I miss the winter. The Autumn is still here and would stay with me for awhile. But, you are not.

Good bye, Shone!