This is about Mr. Grumpy.
I want to write about him tonight. Almost 14 days we do not write each other anymore. I know, I do not write him back. It was not my decision alone, it was also his decision.
Sometimes, or maybe mostly times, I mentioned his name in my pray, accidentally. It was because I used to mention his name for more than 8 months. It hurted me before, when his name in my lip. But now, my brain stopped my heart to get hurt again. I let my lip to slip and change his name immediately. I let myself to ignore him and to accept all feelings about him, from good to be bad to be worst to be neutral. I let everything happens to me related to him.
Almost 2 years ago when he said first “hi”, almost one year ago when he said “hello again”. We were liking each other in that second salam, we were physically together for more than 6 months, almost for whole 7 days in every week. Our hands were in one, even there was a contradiction in my head, against my principle. I wanted him like he wanted me. Then I thought, it would be real between us, to have promise in front of God and our parent. It was his mistake to promise me, it was my mistake to believe him. Or maybe it was because we are just human who let hope grow in our action. At the end he said “I am sorry..”
He gave up on us, he could not fulfil his promise, he would not. I failed to trust him anymore. We were broken. Probably, it was only me. I was broken. As he always said to me “you are strong woman”, I am. Now, after two months, I am successfully move him to the other side of my heart, called ‘past’. Like he said before “sadness will be gone, only happy memories left”. Yes, maybe, he is right. What I am very sure for now, I do not want to have that pain anymore, the pain for waiting that three simple words from his mouth, that ‘I-love-you’. Because it was the reason. He never loved me to hold me tight. Because it was the reason. I was always failed to trust him. Because it was the reason. Why it was hard for me to answer him ‘yes’ very soon, when he asked me “would-you-marry-me”
in the first and second time.
P.s. dear Mr. Grumpy, God knows better, what would happen between us in the next days, weeks, months, years, in the future.
This is, I wrote you, to heal my pain of missing you. To heal my rest pain of losing you.